The Good Work of Marriage
By Katie Nelson, Director of Care Ministries
Our wedding day was really sweet and incredibly fun. Though the skies were gray in Seattle, I was assured that the photographer would be able to capture the colors even more brilliantly. So don’t worry, Katie, I told myself. Worry might be a disposition of mine, but I didn’t want it to ruin my wedding day. Then the rain held until we were indoors for delicious food, heartfelt blessings, and lots of dancing!
I got married when I was 30 and had been through lots of hours of professional therapy. I was basically re-parented toward love, security, and a wholeness that I could then offer to my marriage. The story would have been much different had I married someone in my 20s without time doing the inner work that professional therapy encouraged me to do.
We participated in a pre-engagement class at our then-church and walked through pre-marital counseling with the pastor who married us. I remember asking my then-fiancé Paul if he would be open to marriage counseling if we needed it in the future. He agreed because he is just plain solid, healthy, and willing to grow. I needed that question answered so I could be more secure in our relationship. Thus started a marriage between a fairly insecurely attached woman (who was working on that) and a fairly secure man who had been crafted with a temperament of kindness.
We didn’t know our future, but we stood before God, our family, friends, and community and committed our vows to actively love each other until death parts us. We even declared that, as the letter to the Ephesians says, “As the Scriptures say, ‘A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one” (Ephesians 5:31–32). And so, we began to live out that mystery in September of 2010, less heavenly-minded and more disgruntled with who was going to take out the trash and clean the bathroom!
After we were married, our adult individual selves were then an “us” that we have been at work forming and shaping into the likeness of Christ through our marriage. No one reflects your true self better than the person who shares your marriage bed. It is both a gift and a humbling reminder that you need a Savior to heal your inner wounds, grow patience in your heart, change your words to gentleness and kindness, and above all, ask for forgiveness when you hurt them and offer forgiveness when they hurt you.
As we have just finished seven weeks of The Marriage Course, I have been more reflective on my marriage to Paul. It has been both a gift to be loved and known and accepted (even in my ugliest behaviors, thoughts, and sins), and also humbling to have to encounter that ugliness (sin) in me that wants to be my own god. Katie wants to control her own world, husband, and children. Oh wait, remember, Katie… you already have a God who reigns over the cosmos and can be trusted!
When I have to encounter the ways in which I have hurt my husband, belittled him, coaxed and controlled him instead of trusting him, I am humbled and ashamed of my humanity. But the Good News of the Gospel is that I am invited back to my Savior who has forgiven me, sees me, and has borne my sins on the cross. As soon as I accept that invitation, I can then turn to my husband and ask for forgiveness. And the cycle of hurt and repair will continue, but the hope is that as we sin, repent, and return to our First Love, we will be formed into the maturity of Christ in us, the hope of glory (Colossians 1:27). Then I can return to my husband, my covenantal love and partner, and we can build deeper intimacy. Marriage is a gift in our lives in that deepest of ways.
Yes, marriage takes a lot of work. But it is very good work. Most things in life that bear the fruit of joy, peace, love, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control, etc., are places where we have to put a lot of intentional effort. Marriage is that work.
So if you are married, be encouraged. Keep showing up for one another. Be honest with yourself and each other. Invite trusted community into your lives. Seek help when needed. Prioritize your marriage even in the busy seasons of parenting, work, sports schedules, church activities, and everyday responsibilities.
Someone once told me, “The best thing you can give your children is a healthy marriage.” I believe that more now than ever.
Paul and I are still learning. Still growing. Still returning to Jesus together. And that, I think, is the real work—and gift—of marriage.
If you are looking for support, encouragement, or resources for your own marriage, our Care Ministries team at Chapel Hill would love to walk alongside you. You can reach out here or email me directly here.
Grace and peace,
Katie