When You Love Jesus, But Your Spouse Doesn’t
By Carie Gordy
Communications Coordinator
I never imagined that loving someone deeply could also feel so spiritually lonely.
Being spiritually mismatched isn’t just about different beliefs, it’s about the ache of wanting to share the deepest part of your soul with the person that matters the most to you, only for them to seemingly not get it. If you’re in that space, you’re in good company.
My husband and I were good friends before we started dating. He quickly became my safe space, my favorite adventure, and the only person who could make me laugh on the days I pledged not to. Faith wasn’t a factor when we got together. I grew up a “Sunday Christian”…church on Sunday and then shelve Jesus for the rest of the week. He was raised Mormon but had long since ghosted religion. Honestly, I had more theology from VeggieTales than actual Scripture, and he wanted to forget everything he knew. Simply put, we didn’t talk about church. We talked about brunch and football.
Then, about a year into our marriage, Jesus tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Daughter, it’s time to rise.” When I told my husband I wanted to go to church, he chuckled and changed the subject. That was the moment I realized: I’d be walking this road alone. At first, it didn’t sting as much. I’d done life pretty independently since my childhood, why should this be different?
But it was different. Marriage is supposed to mean doing life together. Instead, I found myself sitting solo in the pew while he hit the golf course or reeled in salmon. Spiritual solitude in marriage hits different. For almost two decades, I’ve prayed a similar prayer like a broken record: “God, please open his eyes. Chase him down. Tackle him if you must, you’re good at that!”
Being spiritually mismatched can feel torturous. You witness others having what you want while secretly fighting off jealousy and grief. I have longed for my husband to love me like Jesus. To go full warrior-mode on his knees, storming heaven on behalf of our family. But instead, I’ve found myself on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night, whispering prayers accompanied by crocodile tears, just clinging to hope.
Over the years, I got hung up on these same six lies. Through healing, and Scripture, I now know the truth – and it has set me free. I wonder if you have believed any of them as well.
- Lie #1: “My spouse’s salvation is my responsibility.”
- Truth: You’re not Jesus. You can’t save, convict, or spiritually duct tape anyone into the Kingdom. (And no, Red Green was wrong. Duct tape doesn’t fix everything.) Their salvation is God’s job. Yours is to love God with everything you’ve got (Luke 10:27). God doesn’t want to lose you in the process of gaining your spouse.
- Lie #2: “My spouse should come first.”
- Truth: Their name isn’t Yahweh. God gets gold. Your spouse gets silver. And strangely enough, when God is your first, your capacity to love your spouse increases. (Matthew 6:33) Kick your spouse off the throne of your heart!
- Lie #3: “God has forgotten about me.”
- Truth: Oh friend, if you only knew. Romans 8:38-39 reminds us that nothing can separate us from God’s love…not your lonely Sundays, your mismatched marriage, or your late-night meltdowns. Heaven sees you and is cheering you on!
- Lie #4: “This will never change.”
- Truth: God has been in the transformation business for centuries. You may not see it yet, but seeds grow underground first. Your quiet faithfulness, whispered prayers, and stubborn love are not wasted. Lead by example. (Galatians 6:9)
- Lie #5: “They just get angry. It’s probably better I go back to who I was before.”
- Truth: Let them be angry. For now. (Romans 12:18) Anger is often just fear in a costume. When you start looking more like Jesus, it can make your spouse feel like they’re losing you or being left behind. That panic shows up as frustration or defensiveness. Also, and more hopefully, God may be starting to convict them. And you remember how yucky that feels, right? Conviction is messy before it’s holy. Give them grace. Stand firm in your knowledge of God. And gently, consistently, invite them along.
- Lie #6: “I guess I don’t deserve a beautiful marriage.”
- Truth: The cross has already settled your worth. Your past, your mistakes, your shame…they don’t get to speak louder than Jesus. God isn’t limited by what you think you deserve. He specializes in giving life abundantly. A beautiful, Christ-centered marriage isn’t too much to hope for. It’s exactly the kind of redemption story he loves to write. Besides, every marriage has issues. Some are just better at keeping it private. While we live in this broken world, we are broken people. (Romans 5:8; Isaiah 43:18-19)
So, what do I hope you walk away with today?
- Toblerone has a dark chocolate version now…just saying.
- You don’t need a “perfect” marriage to have a powerful faith.
- Your spouse doesn’t have to understand you for God to answer your prayers for them.
- You are not…NOT…the savior. That job is taken.
- Keep walking with Jesus and love your spouse where they are.
- Surround yourself with prayer warriors who can stand strong around you and your spouse.
- Pray. Worship. Read your Bible.
I know that God is in control. He sees all and knows all. No one, not your spouse or mine, is ever too far gone for him to reach. That being said, I’m not okay with my husband not knowing Jesus…please don’t think that. I still wrestle, still struggle, and still breakdown from time to time. But when I remind myself of these truths, I find the strength to surrender it over to God, who makes my burdens light. And I will continue to fight for my husband’s soul until my last breath.
If you need support, Chapel Hill has an amazing resource with the Lay Counselors. They have been a lifeline for me. It’s where I have found healing, growth, and strength to keep going.
Friend, stop striving. Pray this simple surrender:
“Father, you know all and see all. You love my spouse more than I ever could. I’ve been standing in your way trying to do what you never asked me to do. Please forgive me. I surrender ________ to you now. Do what only you can do. I trust you. Amen.”
Praying for you,
Carie